


like a reptile in the sun

by bellafarallones



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), and taako reassures him about it, au where kravitz and taako are dating, but kravitz never finds the right moment to mention that he's a shapeshifting dragon, dragon kravitz, kravitz is also insecure about not being as casual or experienced about sex as taako, then the raven queen sends him, to help the thb take down the wonderland twins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:20:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25584274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellafarallones/pseuds/bellafarallones
Summary: “Hey,” said Taako, tugging on Kravitz’s tie. “How do you want me, big guy?”Taako waited for the words stuck in Kravitz’s throat. “Taako,” Kravitz said finally. “I can’t be as casual about sex as you are. I know this isn’t something we’ve talked about, but I don’t think I have the same kind of experience as you do.”
Relationships: Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 96





	like a reptile in the sun

**Author's Note:**

> i totally ignored the canon plot significance of wonderland setting up the thb to work with barry for purposes of me wanting to write the wonderland twins bullying kravitz and taako before being incinerated by a dragon. i also can't not link to the og shapeshifting dragon kravitz fic, paper crowns: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22123354/chapters/52805449

Thursday was croissant day at the best bakery/coffee shop in town, which was why Kravitz was more than a little disappointed to see that the display case was conspicuously bare. 

“Good morning, Denise,” he said when he stepped up to the counter. “You don’t happen to have any croissants left, do you?”

The dark elf behind the counter shook her head. “‘Fraid not. A fantasy Little League team all but cleaned us out right when we opened, and that guy over there got the last croissant.” Denise pointed at a blond elf sitting alone at a table for two, lording over a cornucopia of pastries. Kravitz could almost taste the flaky, buttery layers of the best croissants in Faerun. 

But there would be more Thursdays, and maybe next week he’d make it over earlier. “Can I just have a maple chai?” he said. He paid his gold and waited for his drink, occasionally sneaking a glance at the elf with the croissant, whose returning gaze was palpable.

After a few minutes Kravitz collected his tea and headed towards the door, intending to drink it at one of the shaded outside tables, but the elf called out to him as he passed his table. “Hey, handsome!”

Kravitz turned his head in surprise.

The elf was grinning mischievously. “I appreciate that you answer to that. You wanna go halfsies on this croissant?”

Kravitz opened his mouth. The elf had a knife poised to cut the croissant in half. “If you’re sure -”

“Of course, sit down. I know a fellow culinary aficionado when I see one.”

Kravitz sat down across from the elf. His smile was sharp and charming, his hair arranged in a loose braid down his shoulder. Something unusually human flipped in Kravitz’s stomach. 

“So I’m Taako,” the elf continued as he offered half a croissant to Kravitz, who took it reverently. “You know. From TV.”

Kravitz took a bite of the croissant, cradling his hand beneath it to stop crumbs from falling into his tea. Heavenly. “I don’t. Know, I mean. I don’t watch a lot of TV. I’m Kravitz, by the way.” Chewing gave him a moment to think. “Tell me about your show?” 

“ _ Sizzle It Up With Taako, _ ” said Taako, tracing a rainbow in the air with his palm. “Spreading fine dining and even finer entertainment across Faerun.”

“Are you doing a show in Dragonsroost?” said Kravitz.

Taako’s ears drooped almost imperceptibly. “No. This was all a while ago. I’m an adventurer now. Did I mention I’m also a wizard?” Now his fingertips sparked with pink and blue.

Kravitz laughed. “You’ve had an exciting career. I basically do paperwork all day.”

“But you know a thing or two about food?”

Kravitz had almost forgotten about the croissant still left in his hand. “Enough to know good food when I taste it. Adventurer’s Rest has the best baked goods in town.”

“Well, I’m new in town, but so far I agree. Hey.” Taako put his hands on the table and leaned forward a little. “You wanna get dinner sometime? You know, so you can show me some of the other best food in town?”

Kravitz opened his mouth in surprise, but recovered quickly.  _ Handsome,  _ Taako had called him. He was asking him out because his face was attractive. And this form  _ was  _ attractive, it had high cheekbones and smooth skin and well-manicured hands. “I’d love to.”

“Just say where and when, my man.”

“Tomorrow, six o’clock. Ulfred’s, right down the street from here.”

“And we won’t need a reservation at six o’clock on a Friday night?”

Kravitz smiled his most charming smile. “Not with me you won’t.”

“Ooo,” said Taako. “A big man in town, I see.”

“One might say.” Kravitz downed the last of his tea and stood up from the table. “Well, I need to get going, but I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Six o’clock at Ulfred’s. I’ll be there.” 

Kravitz returned his mug to Denise and hurried out into the street. Then he walked three doors down to Ulfred’s. This early in the morning, the cooks and waiters were sitting around one of the white-clothed tables drinking coffee. 

“Kravitz!” said Ulfred, the owner, a dwarf in a hairnet and apron. “A little early for steak, don’t you think?”

“Even for me. Look, I just wanted to say, I’m coming in tomorrow about six? Save a table for two for me?”

“You know I’ve always got a table with your name on it.”

“I know, I know, I just wanted to give you a heads-up.”

\--

Kravitz arrived at Ulfred’s at five minutes to six the next evening and leaned against the brick wall to wait for Taako. He was wearing a three-piece suit with a red shirt underneath and a black tie. His cufflinks and stud earrings glinted silver, and his dreadlocks hung in a neat ponytail. He knew he looked amazing.

Taako, when Kravitz saw him coming down the street, lit up orange and pink by the beginnings of sunset, looked perhaps better than amazing. He was wearing a pastel floral romper with a braided leather belt and a blue silk shawl around his shoulders, big silver mirrored sunglasses, and sandals. 

When he got close enough for Kravitz to offer his arm he noticed that he had little flowers woven into his braid. “You look… stunning,” Kravitz said.

“I’m glad I asked around in advance to find out whether this place was fancy or not,” Taako said. “You’re lucky I didn’t show up in something much less formal. And you’re an absolute  _ vision, _ by the way.”

There were several parties waiting to be seated just inside the door to Ulfred’s, but when the host saw Kravitz enter he led them immediately to a table by the window. 

“Ooo,” said Taako. “You weren’t kidding.”

“I’m also not kidding when I say that this is the best steak in town, and I’m buying.”

Kravitz had thought in advance about how to be a good date. It wasn’t often that he had either the chance or the desire. Firstly, he’d been around long enough to have known all the locals when they were children, so that was a nonstarter. Secondly, he was much, much older than his human form suggested, and the kinds of people who were interested in a thirty-year-old body were generally too young for him. 

Taako didn’t seem too young. Age was difficult to guess with elves, even for him, and of course he couldn’t ask, but intuition told him that Taako, like himself, had more life experience than his face would suggest.

“So you’re an adventurer now?” Kravitz said.

“Yes. Just rolled into town. My sidekicks and I are staying at the adventurer’s guild. The guildmaster has a long backlog of fetch quests for us.”

“The density of magical objects around Dragonsroost is improbable.”

“Really? She’s only giving us one assignment at a time, so it’s good to know I have job security.” Taako took a sip of his drink, something fruity and too strong for even Kravitz’s supernatural metabolism. “You know a lot about magic items?”

“A bit. I don’t have much use for them, myself.”

Taako smiled. “I’ll let you know if I find a ring for paperwork-doing.”

“Please do. What kind of magic do you specialize in?”

“I’m a transmutation wizard. In adventuring, though, I fling a lot of fireballs. Recently I learned how to open a portal to an eldritch tentacle dimension.”

“Lucky monsters you must be fighting.”

“I’d be happy to demonstrate for you. I’m sure the tentacles also know how to be gentle."

One excellent steak dinner later, Kravitz and Taako were standing outside Ulfred’s in the half-light of the streetlamps. “I had a great time tonight,” said Taako.

“I did too. Will I see you again?”

“Oh, I’m sure.” Taako leaned close, ostensibly smoothing the already-smooth lapels of Kravitz’s shirt before he gripped them, and tilted his face up. “Can I…?”

“Yes.”

Taako jumped a little when he met Kravitz’s lips. “Your face is… very cold.”

“Sorry.” The explanation would have been the next sentence out of Kravitz’s mouth:  _ I should have warned you, I’m cold because I’m a reptile.  _

But Taako cut him off. “No problem, my man. Just startled me a little. Will you forgive me enough for a do-over?”

Kravitz nodded, and Taako kissed him again, sweet and sure, and laughed a little. “There. Now that’s the first kiss we deserve.”

\--

In the next few weeks their relationship progressed to the point that Kravitz found himself being snuck into Taako’s bedroom in the adventurer’s guild. Taako pointed out his teammates as they passed them: Magnus was participating in an arm-wrestling tournament in the common rom, onlookers shouting encouragement on both sides as he grappled with an orc woman, and Merle was in the garden, stroking the leaves of a plant. (“He’s a firm subscriber to the belief of talking to plants,” Taako supplied, “but you wouldn’t want to hear the kind of things he says.”) 

Taako’s bedroom was a mess, closet overflowing with clothing, several jewelry trees groaning on the vanity under the weight of necklaces and earrings. Hair and skin products jostled for position on the top of the dresser like marathoners behind the starting line.

“Hey,” said Taako, tugging on Kravitz’s tie. “How do you want me, big guy?”

Taako waited for the words stuck in Kravitz’s throat. “Taako,” Kravitz said finally. “I can’t be as casual about sex as you are. I know this isn’t something we’ve talked about, but I don’t think I have the same kind of experience as you do.”

“Oh shit,” said Taako. “That’s totally okay.”

“I like you  _ so much _ , Taako.”

“I like you too, handsome. What do you want to do? If anything? We could just talk. It’d be nice to be able to look at you without worrying about someone I know judging my ga-ga eyes.”

Kravitz smiled. “We could… cuddle?”

“Hell yeah!” Taako jumped onto his bed and held his arms out for Kravitz to join him.

“Do you mind if I take my jacket off?”

“Not at all, put it anywhere.”

Kravitz took off his suit jacket and folded it over the back of Taako’s desk chair, then climbed into bed and settled between Taako’s arms, his back against Taako’s chest. 

“Mm. Your hair smells nice,” said Taako. 

Kravitz curled his fingers up with Taako’s. “Thank you for being cool with this.” 

“I mean, temperature-wise, you’re still the cool one.” Taako pressed a kiss to Kravitz’s shoulder. “I’m not even mad that air conditioning hasn’t been invented yet.” 

The lightness in his voice lifted a weight off Kravitz’s chest. Taako wasn’t upset. He didn’t seem disappointed or put out, he wasn’t making it awkward. Kravitz shifted in Taako’s arms until they were face-to-face, but Taako’s easy smile was so sweet and comforting it made him blush, and so he buried his face in Taako’s shoulder. 

“Are you asexual?” said Taako.

“No,” Kravitz said, so quickly he made Taako giggle. “I -” he was allowed to say it, Taako had already indicated that he wanted to have sex with him - “Taako, I  _ want  _ you. So much. But I’ve never had something like this before.” 

“Ah,” said Taako. “Kravitz doesn’t rush in?”

“What?” 

“Don’t worry about it.”

Kravitz lifted his head to look at Taako again, and carded his fingers gently through the hair that had escaped from Taako’s behind his ears.

“I do like it when you touch my hair, but buddy, I wanna make sure you know that elf ears are sensitive,” Taako warned. Kravitz started to pull his hand away, but Taako caught his wrist. “Don’t get me wrong, Taako’s totally into it, but I don’t want to get all worked up if it’s gonna make you uncomfortable.”

“I wouldn’t mind. If you got all worked up. From me touching you.”

Taako removed the hair tie from his braid and shook it out. “Can I kiss you some more?”

“Please,” said Kravitz. “And if you want to touch me, too… above the waist I think you’re good.”

And then they were kissing again, and there were the little gasps Taako made when Kravitz’s palm brushed his ear and Kravitz’s nails scraped gently across his scalp, and Taako’s hands against Kravitz’s chest. 

“I love  _ hearing  _ you,” murmured Kravitz against Taako’s lips.

“Hey, if you wanted you could - ah! - let me grind on your thigh,” said Taako, breathing hard and leaning his head hard into Kravitz’s hand.

“Yes,” said Kravitz, and pushed his knee up between Taako’s thighs. “Can I?” he said, touching the hem of Taako’s skirt, and Taako nodded, so Kravitz pushed that skirt up around Taako’s hips and held Taako against him, feeling the stuttering rhythm of Taako’s hips. 

“Gods, Kravitz, you’ve got me so wet I bet I could come just from this, just your hands on me,” Taako gasped. 

“Do it, Taako, do it, I want to watch you come.”

The rhythm of Taako’s hips was desperate now, and he whimpered into Kravitz’s neck, and then all at once his thighs clenched around Kravitz’s as he came.

“Shit,” said Taako, now wrung-out and loose.

“That,” said Kravitz, “was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Taako, gently easing himself off Kravitz’s thigh, looked down and groaned.

“What?”

Taako was blushing now, “I left a wet spot on your slacks, bro.”

Kravitz laughed a little. “Don’t ‘bro’ me when I literally have your cum on me.”

“Alright, you handsome devil, absolute romantic light of my life, do you mind if I use prestidigitation to save my own dignity?”

“Go right ahead.” 

Taako flicked his fingers, there was a flash of warmth against Kravitz’s leg, and his slacks were pristine again. “I knew there was a reason I became a wizard,” Taako said, and kissed Kravitz again. “Also, if there’s anything you’d like in terms of returning the favor…”

“I’m good,” said Kravitz. “Just watching you was… incredible.”

“You’re too sweet,” said Taako, settling back into Kravitz’s arms. “Who let you be this sweet?”

\--

It was early afternoon, the upper floors of the adventurer’s guild were warm, and the Tres Horny Boys were half-dozing over a game of cards. A loud rapping on the doorframe snapped them to attention. Lucretia, the guildmaster, stood in the doorway with her arms folded across her chest. “I have a job for you,” she said.

Only Magnus looked really excited about it. “Another relic?”

“Yes.” Lucretia stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. “To gain possession of the next relic, you must defeat two the very powerful liches.”

“Let us at ‘em,” said Magnus. 

“Not today. Today I’m sending you looking for… an endorsement. Liches are, by their nature, flagrant violations of the laws of death. Consequently, the Raven Queen might be willing to give you her blessing or some kind of material aid in taking them down.”

“I don’t think I have a line to the Raven Queen,” said Merle.

“You don’t need one.” Lucretia pointed out the window, to where a half-ruined castle rose above the trees outside the town proper. “The dragon of Dragonsroost castle, The Reaper, is known to be an emissary of the Raven Queen. You just need to get to that castle, talk to the dragon, and ask him to put you in touch with the Raven Queen, or even approach her himself on your behalf.”

“There’s a dragon living in that castle!?” said Taako.

“Maybe we should have guessed from the name,” said Magnus. “You know. Dragonsroost.”

Lucretia looked momentarily surprised. “You haven’t heard of him? He’s been somewhat of a guardian of the village for a hundred years now. Anyway, be polite when you see him, tell him you’re interested in working with the Raven Queen, and then come back and tell me what she says.”

“Will we get paid for part one, or just when we get the relic?” said Taako.

“Why don’t you go talk to the Reaper, and I’ll tell you more when you get back?” said Lucretia.

“I’m sure that means no,” Taako complained. “Whatever. The Raven Queen’s blessing will be worth the walk. That castle doesn’t look too far away.”

The apparent closeness of the castle’s towers through the guild windows was deceiving. The forest was unexpectedly overgrown, too, with gnarled branches blocking out the sun and thick thornbushes tearing at their clothes. 

“Hey, do you feel like someone’s watching us?” said Merle after he whipped around for the third time but saw nothing but the flickering shadows cast by leaves.

“Pan is always watching,” quipped Taako.

“No. Not him.”

“I feel something too,” said Magnus.

“Well, if nothing is jumping out at us right now, there’s nothing we can do. We’re almost at the castle,” said Taako, honestly excited to meet this dragon. 

Rosebushes towered over the path leading up to the front gate of the castle, and they made it to the huge wooden door safely. “Should we knock?” said Magnus. “Is a castle more like someone’s home, or more like a public building that you can just walk right into?”

“I don’t think we have time to consider it,” said Merle. A group of gerblins had torn through the bushes, scattering roses onto the path and getting pretty well scratched-up for their trouble.

Magnus pushed the doors open, allowed Merle and Taako through after him, and then leaned against the door as a gerblin body slammed against the other side. 

“Hello?” Taako called into the dark hall. “Mr. Reaper?”

Thunderous footsteps echoed down the broad staircase in front of them, losing volume as they got closer, and then a man came into view.

“ _ Kravitz? _ ” said Taako. “What are  _ you  _ doing here?”

Kravitz reddened. He was dressed much less formally than Taako had ever seen him, a dark gray sweater and black slacks and - argyle socks? “I did tell you I lived a little ways out of town.”

“Okay, I don’t know how you and Taako know each other,” said Magnus, “but a couple of gerblins are banging on the door trying to get a piece of our asses, so if there’s anything you could do…”

“Sorry. Magnus, Merle, this is Kravitz, my normie boyfriend. Kravitz, meet Magnus and Merle.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” said Kravitz, as the blade of an axe appeared in the door just above Merle’s head. “You may as well let them in.”

The three adventurers nodded to one another and sprung away from the door, landing braced for combat. Taako pulled an unresisting Kravitz behind him. “Don’t worry, babe,” he said. “I’ve been wanting to show off my magic for you anyway.”

“So we’re gonna kill them, right?” said Kravitz.

“That’s sure what it looks like!” Magnus raised his axe, ready to meet a gerblin’s swing.

But the gerblin never made it. There was a noise like  _ whoomf,  _ and a huge blast of white fire from above Taako’s head incinerated the gerblins where they stood, leaving silhouettes in black ash on the door. 

Magnus turned around. “I think I may have lost a few hairs to that one,” he said lightly.

Where Kravitz had stood there was now a dragon, hunched down on its forelegs as though trying to look smaller. “Sorry about that,” it said in Kravitz’s voice.

“Taako,” said Merle. “I have questions about your definition of ‘normie.’”

Taako blinked. The dragon had talons as thick as his forearm and supple shining scales, but its eyes were familiar. “Kravitz?” Taako said. “You’re a  _ dragon? _ ”

“Well, not all the time,” said Kravitz in a small voice, or as small a voice as a being the size of a small house could manage. “Sorry, I always get a little dizzy when I switch too suddenly; it’ll take me a minute to get back.”

“Man,” said Taako, looking slowly from the tops of Kravitz’s horns to the barb on the tip of his tail. “And here I thought you were hot  _ before.” _

Magnus looked awkwardly from Taako to the dragon. “I assume you’re the Reaper? Should I call you that?”

“Kravitz is fine, but yes. I am the Reaper.” Kravitz shuddered like a cat about to cough up a hairball, and then he was human-shaped again. 

“We’ve been sent from the adventurer’s guild to ask about seeking the Raven Queen’s blessing. We’re planning to fight a couple of liches and we thought she might be interested.”

“I think you thought right. Follow me.” His gaze lingered for a moment on Taako, expression unreadable, but led them all up the stairs without further comment.

This castle had been built for humans, when the village of Dragonsroost still supported a family of feudal lords, but that was long ago. In the years before Kravitz moved in, it had fallen into disrepair, the high-ceilinged rooms being perfect for a dragon but a nightmare for humans to keep heated in the winter. 

The altar to the Raven Queen took up an entire wall. White candles flickered beneath a shimmering collage of black feathers. About a dozen ravens, perched on the sills of the arched windows, cocked their heads when the party entered.

“Stay back,” Kravitz murmured. Then, having advanced to within a few feet of the altar, he pulled a couple of raven feathers from his pocket and laid them on the ground. Suddenly the ravens around the window started squawking, their wings beating a rapid susurration, and a woman dressed in black stepped forth from the tunnel of wind they created.

Kravitz knelt at her feet and kept his eyes fixed on the ground. “My Queen.” This was nothing like the casual relationship Merle had with Pan.

“I have not seen you in this form for a long time, Kravitz,” said the Raven Queen with a touch of amusement. “Are you yielding to the familiarity of your mortal companions?”

“Do you wish to see me another way, my Queen?” said Kravitz without lifting his gaze from the ground.

“No, I suppose it doesn’t matter. State your business.”

“These adventurers came to seek your holy blessing as they battle with liches.”

“Do they care what form that blessing takes?”

“Whatever you see fit, my Queen.”

“I see. In that case, Kravitz, my blessing will be you.”

Kravitz’s shoulders twitched, but he did a masterful job of concealing whatever surprise he felt. “Pardon me?” 

“If they will accept your help, I authorize you to accompany them as my emissary and reap these liches. It’ll be good for you to get out of Dragonsroost for once.”

“I will carry out your will to the best of my ability.”

The Raven Queen had turned around and now looked back over her shoulder to respond, her gaze flickering over Taako, Merle, and Magnus. “You always do.”

Then she was gone, and Kravitz rose slowly to his feet. “So. Any interest in a fourth party member?”

“Hell yeah!” said Taako. “Why would I not want to watch you incinerate more fools?”

“Do you have any… weapons, besides, y’know, being a dragon?” said Magnus.

Kravitz extended his right hand into the void and came back holding a long-handled scythe. The steel blade gleamed with unnatural sharpness. “I reap souls for the Raven Queen.”

“So that’d be why your nickname is the Reaper.”

“I had assumed it was because you helped out at harvest time,” said Merle.

“I do also do that,” said Kravitz, and the scythe vanished from his hand. “Yes. I can summon a scythe and use it to send souls to the astral plane. I can also fly and breathe fire. Is that good enough?”

\--

Kravitz followed the Tres Horny Boys into Lucretia’s office, and waved shyly at her. “Hi. I’m Kravitz. The Raven Queen said I should come help, if that’s okay.”

Lucretia was either unsurprised to see him or very good at concealing it, because she only nodded to acknowledge him before unfurling a map onto her desk. “Here’s Dragonsroost,” she said, pointing to the middle of the map. “And this is Wonderland. The two liches that live there, Edward and Lydia, have this whole game set up, and they’ll pretend that they’ll give you the bell if you just play along, but it’s bullshit.” 

“You know them?” said Magnus.

Lucretia sighed, her face loosening for a moment, and then her gaze hardened again. “I’ve dealt with them before. Just kill them before they can fuck you up too much.”

“Great.”

“I know the four of you can beat them, but it will be difficult. Don’t underestimate them. Don’t listen to  _ anything  _ they say.”

“Can you tell us anything more specific about what happened when you met them?” said Taako.

“I tried to get the bell through their… little game, and it nearly killed me. It cost me literally twenty years of my life.”

“Well, I have no follow-up questions to that,” said Magnus. “Wonderland looks pretty far away. Kravitz? Could you fly us there?”

Kravitz shrugged. “Sure.”

They touched down half an hour later in a clearing outside Wonderland, which turned out to be a circular building flashing garish black and white. The Tres Horny Boys slid off Kravitz’s back, and he returned to his human form.  _ WELCOME TO WONDERLAND _ , a hundred billboards proclaimed, and a set of doors on the side of the building opened with a pneumatic hiss. 

Through the doorway was nothing but inky darkness, and all four of their names, including  _ Kravitz (The Grim Reaper) _ , flashed in lights above it. “I wouldn’t say I’m all that grim,” said Kravitz lightly. 

“Of course you aren’t, dear,” said Taako, and laced his fingers through Kravitz’s.

Magnus rushed into the doorway and was swallowed by the darkness. After a moment his brawny arm reached out and pulled Taako through, towing Kravitz along with him. Merle’s grumbling was only cut off for a moment before he too entered Wonderland.

The room they found themselves in was as dark as a room full of mirrors and reflective screens could be, more gray than black. Kravitz took a step back and realized that the door that they’d come through had simply disappeared. Party music thumped through invisible speakers. 

Then bright spotlights flashed from the ceiling and floor, their beams circling around and then focusing on two very attractive elves posing on a platform that was rising slowly out of the ground. 

“Welcome to Wonderland!” said the female elf, her voice carrying effortlessly over the loud music. Her smile was dazzling but did not reach her eyes. 

“Yes, welcome!” said her male companion. ‘We’re so glad you’re here.”

Magnus coughed. “Is it safe to assume that you’re Edward and Lydia?”

“We  _ are,”  _ said Edward, raising a demure hand to cover his lips.

“You’ve heard of us?” said Lydia, and batted her eyelashes. The music softened.

“Are you guys hiring?” said Taako. “This place seems amazing! I love your whole vibe!” Their vibe was, indeed, spectacular. Edward and Lydia were wearing matching but not identical purple bodysuits with tantalizing openings to reveal a hint of Lydia’s cleavage, some of Edward’s smooth stomach. 

Lydia’s outfit had sharp yellow shoulder pads, and they were both wearing high-heeled leather boots, and they had the kind of swooshy pink undercuts that only look good if you get the sides trimmed and the roots re-dyed every two weeks at least. Lydia’s pointed ears dripped with gold earrings, and Edward was wearing strong black eyeliner and lipstick. 

“But I think you’re here for something else,” said Lydia. “The Animus Bell?”

“Yes,” said Magnus. “And we were told to kill you to get it.”

Lydia and Edward, their feet on a platform above even Magnus’s head, leaned together and tittered. “Oh? And who told you that?” said Edward.

“Our boss,” said Merle quickly. 

“Oh, you don’t need to kill us to get the Animus Bell. You see, here in Wonderland, we  _ love  _ to give people what they want. You just have to  _ earn  _ it first.”

“What do we have to do to earn it?”

“Oh, just a few little tests. If your boss couldn’t get through them, maybe she just wasn’t worthy of the Animus Bell. But you are, aren’t you?”

“What do we have to do?” said Magnus, with a glint in his eye. 

Edward and Lydia pointed with identical gloved hands towards a doorway on the other side of the room, beyond the platform they stood on, just as inscrutable as the door to the outside.

“Oh, no,” said Merle. “Lucretia gave us  _ directions -” _

“I think maybe Lucretia just doesn’t know how to party,” said Taako. “Maybe the trials are something like ‘beat an orc at arm wrestling’ and ‘don’t be shady,’ something we can do that she can’t.”

The Tres Horny Boys looked at Kravitz, who shrugged. “It can’t hurt to at least find out what the trials  _ are. _ ”

Magnus was the first through the second doorway.

It took a moment for the room to form around them: a colorful wheel set into the floor, each slice marked with a simple symbol, and another door on the other side of the room, with four red lights blinking above it. 

_ “Welcome to the Wheel of Sacrifice, _ ” came Edward’s voice from everywhere and nowhere at once.  _ “Each of you will need to spin it once and give something up based on the symbol it lands on.” _

“Hey,” said Kravitz softly. “So you know how my job is to hunt down liches?”

“Yeah?” said Taako. “Wait, you told me your job was mostly paperwork.”

“There’s a lot of paperwork involved in tracking the souls of everyone who’s ever lived. But I also fight a lot of liches, compared to the average person. And I can feel that Lydia and Edward are unusually powerful, and thus have an unusually powerful source of magic. In my professional opinion.”

“Do you know what that source is?”

Kravitz looked around the room, at where the door had disappeared behind them, and the symbols on the wheel. “I think it’s our suffering. I think when they make us sacrifice, they’re harvesting our suffering. So they have… a vested interest in keeping us here instead of giving us what we came for.” 

Lydia’s voice made them all jump.  _ “Why don’t you spin, and find out?” _

“I’d like to see what they can take from me without a fight,” said Magnus, and spun the wheel. Lights flashed, symbols blurred together, and the wheel landed on body. 

_ “Ten years of your life,”  _ said Edward. “ _ If you accept this sacrifice you will age ten years in an instant. _ ”

“And if I don’t accept?”

“ _ Then you will have to face a penalty. _ ”

“No chance you’ll tell me what that penalty is beforehand?”

_ “None.” _

“Alright, then, I’ll take the ten years. Forty-year-olds are still hot.” And then, too fast to process any intermediate state, Magnus aged ten years. Specks of gray appeared in his hair and beard. He was still physically imposing, of course, but his muscles were a little less defined. One of the red lights over the door turned green.

“My back feels kinda shitty,” Magnus said finally, stretching. “But other than that? I’m good.”

“Welcome to middle age, my friend,” said Merle. His spin landed on eye, and he lost an eye and gained a cool eyepatch without much complaint. Now there were two green lights and two red above the door.

Taako’s spin also landed on body. “Ten years? I can do that.”

“ _ Sure,”  _ said Lydia.  _ “Ten years is not much of a sacrifice for an elf. So I think we’ll take something else. How about… your beauty? _ ”

“What?”

_ “Taako, your whole life you’ve been beautiful. You’ve used your face to get so much for yourself. If you accept this sacrifice, you will, for the first time in your life, look just ordinary.” _

“Ordinary?” said Taako softly.

_ “Only your face. You’ll still have everything else, your body and your intellect and your magic. But how will it feel to never turn someone’s head on the street because of how much they like looking at you?” _

Taako turned around and looked at Kravitz. “Kravitz?” he said.

“Yes?”

“The Raven Queen sent you on this mission, right? And also endorses me being here?”

“Yes, and?”

“So you’re not allowed to break up with me for becoming ugly in the course of a mission she endorses?”

“Taako, I-” Kravitz looked confused, and then a little hurt. “My feelings for you are not dependent on your looks. Did you think I-”

“I’ll take the sacrifice,” said Taako, and his gaze never left Kravitz’s face as the change took effect. It wasn’t drastic. His eyes were a little duller, his lips a little less full, but it was still Taako. And the third light turned green.

Then Taako snapped his fingers and a glamour dropped over his face, and he was almost unnaturally beautiful again. “Perks of being a wizard,” he said, and smirked. “Your turn, Krav.”

Kravitz spun the wheel, and once again it landed on body.

“Oh shit,” said Taako. 

“ _ Oh, Kravitz has something much more valuable we can take than his looks, enthralling though they are. _ ” Lydia sounded almost gleeful.  _ “You have  _ two  _ bodies, don’t you? Doesn’t that seem a little unfair? I propose you give up… one of your bodies. Be either a man or a dragon forever.” _

Kravitz shoved his hands into his pockets. “I don’t think that’s something you  _ can  _ take from me.”

_ “You just watched us take Merle’s eye without touching him, age Magnus ten years in a second, and ruin pretty-boy’s face. Why wouldn’t we be able to trap you in one body?” _

“Because my powers are a gift from the Raven Queen, and even if you take them away, there’s nothing to stop her from giving them right back.” Kravitz ran a hand through his hair and looked nervously around at Taako. “Look, I don’t want to get into my whole personal history here, but we’re not talking about the same kinds of physical or magical attributes.”

_“How about we make a bet?_ _We try, and even if we fail, it still counts as a sacrifice to get you out of this room._ ”

“Deal. Try to keep me from being a dragon.”

“Are you sure?” said Taako, but the last light over the door had already turned green. 

Kravitz switched smoothly into his dragon form and back. “See?” he said.

_ “Shit, _ ” said Edward.  _ “You were right. You live and you learn, I guess.” _

_ “This next trial is individual,”  _ said Lydia. “ _ We will help you address certain truths about yourself and your life in order to become stronger people and be more ready to claim your prize. It’s hardly even a trial. Think of it like magical talk therapy.” _

_ “Please proceed through the door one at a time,”  _ said Edward, voice clipped like a fantasy airline attendant. 

“Boy, am I ready to find out some personal truths,” said Merle, and slipped through the doorway. Magnus followed a moment later.

When they were alone, Taako turned to Kravitz. “Hey, magic boy.”

“Hey yourself.” Kravitz held out his hands and Taako took them in his, held them to his chest. 

“I’m glad they couldn’t take anything from you. And I’m glad you can breathe fire, and I trust your judgment on the right moment to quit playing along.”

“Thank you. Take care of yourself?”

“I always do,” said Taako, and he slipped through the black doorway, and Kravitz was alone.

Taako found himself in a small dark room, empty except for a velvety red couch facing the opposite wall. After two steps forward Edward’s head popped into view above the back of the couch as he sat up. “Hello, Taako,” he said brightly.

“Hello.”

“Come, sit down!” He swung his legs onto the ground so Taako could sit down next to him. “I thought we could have a little boy time. After all, we have  _ so  _ much in common, don’t we?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, you know.” Edward touched Taako’s cheek, his hands surprisingly warm. He’d gotten used to Kravitz. “What’s your skincare routine?”

“Anti-oil potion morning and night, and whenever I get a pimple I cast a glamour to hide it.”

“Oh, naughty!” Edward swatted playfully at Taako’s arm. “I used to do that, too! What’s the point of magic if you don’t use it for fun stuff? Speaking of which, I knew changing your face would hardly be a sacrifice. You’re much more resourceful than your little friends.”

Taako was starting to relax. “How do you and Lydia agree on all your cute matching outfits?”

“Oh, you  _ know  _ it’s a struggle. I love her to bits, of course, but we do fight sometimes about how much is too much. All our clothes are custom-tailored, of course, there aren’t too many places that sell his and hers sequined bodysuits!”

“If a big label sees you I’m sure it’ll catch on.”

“Stop, you’re making me blush!” said Edward, who was not blushing at all. He looped one hand around Taako’s neck, pulling himself almost into Taako’s lap, and scraped his immaculately manicured nails on the other down Taako’s chest.“Hey, if you wanna fool around a little… normally it’s just me and Lydia around here, I never get to have any  _ real  _ fun. I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Hard pass on that one, friend.”

Edward sighed dramatically and let Taako go. “Dragon dick is that good?”

“Get a dragon boyfriend of your own and maybe you’ll find out.”

“Oh, territorial? Only one of us knows what he’s doing right now, though, and it’s not you.”

Taako’s fingernails dug into the hem of his tunic. “What have you done to him!?”

“Don’t worry about  _ him,  _ honey. Lydia and I talked to him, sure, but he’s made of sterner stuff than you and your other little friends.”

Taako’s shoulders loosened. Edward had a point. Kravitz was perfectly capable of incinerating anyone who messed with him.

“I mean, you and I are hot, but there aren’t many guys around like him.” Edward sighed. “I’d want him for myself, but I don’t think I’m really his type.”

“Yeah, ‘cause his type isn’t  _ evil,”  _ started Taako, but he trailed off, because the wall in front of the couch was lifting up. No. A curtain was lifting, revealing a broad window into the next room, where -

“Kravitz!” Taako leapt up from the couch, but the window was thick and soundless under his banging fists. The room beyond the glass was brightly-lit, and Kravitz was lounging in a chair, looking up at Lydia, who was standing over him. 

“He can’t hear you,” said Edward. “Or see you. We just get to watch. Won’t it be fun? He hid that he was a  _ dragon  _ for so long, don’t you want to see what he’s like when he’s not hiding things from you?”

“Mortals, amiright?” Lydia was saying, and Kravitz laughed. Taako knew that laugh, he  _ loved  _ that laugh.

“I don’t know how they get around. I didn’t know  _ shit  _ until I was at least seven hundred,” said Kravitz. 

Taako was too focused on Kravitz’s face, searching for fear in his eyes, to notice that Edward was getting closer until he slung his arm around Taako’s shoulders and pulled him back onto the couch. “We’re thinking of recruiting him,” said Edward. “His skillset is really something special, isn’t it?”

Kravitz was  _ smiling  _ up at Lydia. And she was smiling back at him, like they were friends. What was Kravitz doing? Taako tried to reassure himself that Kravitz knew what he was doing, he must be trying to get information out of Lydia, lull her into a false sense of security.

But Lydia was moving closer, and Kravitz was leaning towards her, and now she was  _ sitting in his lap,  _ her sequined bodysuit against his black slacks, cupping his jaw in her hands, and he was sliding his hand up her thigh.

Something dark and slippery squirmed in Taako’s stomach.

“He’s certainly not as  _ flamboyant  _ as we are,” murmured Edward, ripping Taako’s gaze away from Kravitz and Lydia. He tangled his hand in Taako’s braid at the nape of his neck and scraped his fingernails against Taako’s scalp. “You ever wonder if he really prefers tits?”

“Gross, that’s your  _ sister  _ you’re talking about,” said Taako, looking now at Edward so he didn’t have to look at Kravitz feeling up Lydia.

“Don’t you have the self-respect not to go for a straight guy?” Edward took Taako’s chin in his hand and wrenched it to the side, forcing him to watch. Lydia was grinding her hips into Kravitz’s now, his hands were on her breasts, and whatever magic was carrying sound one way through the glass was doing a fine job on the wet noises of making out. 

“Hey,” said Lydia breathily. She was stroking his chest, fingertips dipping beneath the waist of his pants. “Wanna see what that body of yours can do?” 

“Of course,” said Kravitz, and shifted Lydia a little to the side to unbutton his pants.

The truth hit Taako like a brick wall. “That’s not Kravitz.” Sure, he hadn’t known that Kravitz was a dragon, but he knew for damn sure that Kravitz was constitutionally incapable of casually fucking a stranger. The real Kravitz wouldn’t get his dick out that quick for anyone or anything. 

Edward laughed. “If you wanna tell yourself that.”

Relief was flooding through Taako. “Edward, if we’re gonna have some boy time, I think we need to talk more about how you’re so down to watch your sister fuck a dude.” Who did Edward think he  _ was?  _ He was Taako from TV, and nobody could do gay and mean better than he could. “Who is she really with, anyway? Is it a mannequin? Are they  _ both  _ mannequins? Are you sitting here playing dolls to watch my boyfriend get to third base with your sister? That’s  _ pathetic. _ ”

Taako picked up the umbra staff from where he’d leaned it up against the side of the couch and aimed  _ animate object  _ at the fake Kravitz, who was now fucking Lydia’s mouth. The fake-Kravitz went stiff and suddenly the glamour dropped, revealing a wooden mannequin dressed in a vague parody of what Kravitz had been wearing. 

“If you thought I’d believe that Kravitz would do that, you must not know what it’s like to date someone who’s not a shitbag.” said Taako. “I feel bad for you. Actually, no I don’t.”

And then the ceiling exploded in fire. Sunlight streamed in, illuminating a ratty sofa and a dirty tile floor. Edward looked washed-out in the natural light. The real Kravitz roared, rearing his head over the destroyed wall of Wonderland, and Edward was screaming, stumbling backwards over the sofa, but in a moment he was nothing more than a charred silhouette in a column of flame. 

The air was acrid with the scent of burning plastic. Wires melted together and the glass fronts of spotlights shattered as they fell. Lydia was screaming too, obscured by the smoke, but soon she too was extinguished. 

Kravitz landed light as a cat next to Taako. “Thank you,” said Taako. “Can I hug you?”

The dragon tossed his head in a nod and Taako wrapped his arms around as much of Kravitz’s body as he could reach like this, pressing his cheek to his scales, cool despite the fire raging around them, and murmured  _ I love you  _ into Kravitz’s side.  _ I love you I love you I love you _ .

Magnus and Merle climbed through the wreckage towards them. Magnus was looking shaken, but Merle whooped in celebration. “You got both of them?”

“Yes,” said Kravitz. “I’m gonna go back to being person-sized, if that’s okay with you all?”

Taako took a step back and watched the wide-mouthed smile of a lizard narrow onto Kravitz’s human face. Then Kravitz summoned his scythe. “Lydia and Edward,” he said in a voice much heavier and more serious than his normal one. “By the authority vested in me by the Raven Queen, I sentence you both to an eternity in the Eternal Stockade for your crimes against the laws of Death.” 

“Alrighty then,” said Taako. “Does anyone see the stupid bell anywhere?”

Magnus clambered over a smoldering beam and scooped the bell, which was half-buried in warm ash, into his bag. “Got it.” 

“Can one of you cast some kind of water spell to keep the forest from burning down?” said Kravitz. “My magic kinda only goes one way.”

“Sure, I guess that would make Pan happy,” said Merle, and as he raised the Xtreme Teen Bible it started to rain. Soon enough all the embers had faded and the scraps of warped metal were cool.

“I guess I’ll fly you guys back to Lucretia, then,” said Kravitz, a dragon again, holding one wing over Taako and Magnus’s heads to shield them from the rain.

“I hope Lucretia can get all our sacrifices back,” said Magnus.

Nobody in town took much notice as a huge dragon circled low and landed on the roof of the Adventurer’s Guild. “Nobody seems surprised to see a dragon,” said Taako.

“People know me.” Kravitz knelt to allow Magnus and Merle to slide off onto Lucretia’s balcony. “I’m gonna go home now, I think. After you’re done debriefing you could come visit, if you want.”

“For sure,” said Taako, and pressed his forehead to Kravitz’s dragon nose, before he too dropped onto the balcony and went inside. 

Kravitz took off, careful not to dislodge any roof tiles, and shot so high that the air was icy against his face. This body had no tear ducts, he reminded himself, and so he could let go.

Kravitz’s personal torture had also been talking to Edward.  _ “Did you see how Taako looked at me, Kravitz?”  _ The burn in his wing muscles was pleasant as he ripped through the air.  _ “You know he’s more exciting than you are; he’ll get bored of you eventually. _ ”

Kravitz had tried to defend himself.  _ I was promised personal truths. Whatever happens to my relationship with Taako, you still have the Animus Bell, and I still want you to hand it over. _

This high up the air was thin and Kravitz’s breaths were fast and gasping, but Edward’s voice still echoed in his ears. “ _ You’re pretty, sure, but you can’t give him what he really wants. It’s only natural he’d want someone a little more like himself.” _

That was when Kravitz had turned into a dragon.  _ Sexually inadequate I may be, but I often find I can compensate in other areas.  _ He had directed his flames upwards until the ceiling dripped with molten metal and sunlight streamed through. Edward hadn’t been so confident, then, scrambling backwards, not nearly fast enough.

Now Kravitz broke through the crest of the clouds, damp against his skin, and whipped his tail around to dive back towards the ground. Lakes and rivers were scraps of blue construction scattered on a green carpet. Homey. 

He landed back on the roof of Dragonsroost Castle, crawled through a window into the room he used as a den, and curled up to catch his breath.

It was almost dark when Kravitz’s ears pricked up at footsteps through the brush. He poked his head out the window and saw Taako, elven eyes glowing faintly, making his way up the front walk. 

“It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!” quipped Taako.

“It’s good to see you, too. I’ll be down in a moment.” Kravitz got to his feet and half-skidded down the stairs, which were not built for dragon-sized legs, to the first floor. “Thank you for coming,” he said when he opened the door.

“Of course,” said Taako as he followed Kravitz back up the stairs. “I need to be comforted after my traumatic day, and I’m only mostly joking when I say that.”

Kravitz curled up in the same place he’d been lying for most of the afternoon. “Do you mind if I stay like this?”

“Not at all. Can I lean against you or something?”

“Sure.” Kravitz arranged his legs so Taako could sit against his side, and lightly laid his tail over Taako’s legs. “I spent most of my time like this before I met you. It’s just not the best body for going into town in.”

“But people know you’re a dragon?”

“I think in general. Locals, at least. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it to you earlier.”

“To be fair, I never asked.”

“At first I kind of assumed you knew? And then we got to a point where it would be awkward to bring it up.”

“It’s okay,” said Taako, and then they sat for a moment in companionable silence. “On a somewhat related note, thank you for being a good person.”

“What do you mean?”

“In Wonderland, Lydia and Edward tried to torture me by making me watch… a mannequin glamoured to look like you say horrible things, and hook up with Lydia, but I knew it wasn’t you. I dispelled the glamour on the mannequin right before you fireballed everything.” Taako petted Kravitz’s tail where it lay across his lap. “Thank you for making me so confident that that wasn’t you.”

“Oh. Really? Lydia? I’m not even… attracted to women.” Kravitz sighed. “Edward told me you’d dump me for not being good at sex, and I told him that I can compensate for sexual inadequacy in other ways. Then I turned into a dragon and blasted him out of existence.”

“Are you really insecure about sex stuff?”

Kravitz’s tail twitched. “I mean. A little.”

“Babe, I am not a single-issue voter. I like spending time with you, I like when you hold me and pet my hair. And from what little I’ve seen, I like watching you fuck shit up with your badass dragon body. Even Edward couldn’t possibly believe I’m about to dump you.”

“I love you,” said Kravitz softly.

“Oh,  _ babe _ ,” said Taako. “I love you too. And we gotta figure out how I can show affection when you’re a dragon, because if you were person-shaped I’d be kissing the shit out of you right now.”

Kravitz felt  _ love _ , then, in the way a reptile feels the heat of the sun: blissful and incomprehensibly life-giving. “We’ll figure it out.”

**Author's Note:**

> welp this is the longest fanfic i've ever written and if it made you think any thoughts or feel any feelings i'd love to hear them!


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